I thought I would make it through this year without having to acknowledge the way my life changed on April 29, 2008. The truth is, I feel a little bit like I’m beating a dead horse. I can hear it now – “Come on Jen, get over it, it’s been two years and we have all moved on.”
I get it. I really do.
And I’ve moved on as well. I’ve come to a place where I’m almost alright with the fact that I can’t have anymore children. Ok, that’s a lie. But I have come to a place where the idea doesn’t consume me, where the realities of having a newborn seem totally overwhelming, and the relationship with my children is so fulfilling I can’t imagine changing the mix.
But I struggled again this year as the anniversary came and went. I was a bitch, there’s just no other way to say it. I waited all day for Steve to acknowledge the day. After all, it was one of the biggest in my life, and in our life as a family. It was the day our family was forever stuck at 4, the day that our choices were taken away, the day that my body aged twenty years, the day that everything changed for me.
It was a big day. And though it seems to have impacted me most heavily, I wanted him to remember that day. To simply acknowledge its importance in my life. To see that I’m still not completely good with the situation. To understand that I want more children, desperately, most days (other days I don’t).
What happened could have been a marriage killer. It almost was, but we survived. And I resent the fact that everyone forgot the date this year. Not just Steve – everyone. And in a very passive-aggressive way, I tweeted that my life had changed two years before. Some people understood (thank you) but others did not.
I get that nobody like a victim or a whiner. I get that the good of my life outweighs the bad. I get that it’s been two years. I get all that.
But for one day I wanted to wallow in self-pity, to feel sad for what was lost, and to give that pain permission to rise up, consume me for a time, and then recede to the place I keep it hidden. Just one day.
Was that too much to ask?
Thinking of you. I wish you all the best this Mother’s Day. xo
Nope. Not too much to ask at all.
Wishing you healing.
No, it is not too much to ask.
I suggest that next year you take a mini vacation either by yourself or with your hubby.
Embrace the day and your feelings.
There is no right way to deal with this but maybe taking a trip will help a little.
I get it…all too well
( Mine is a different situation…but it is not easy to get over having things taken from you against your will, being scared all the time, having the sharp realization that life really isn’t fair sometimes… and then the extreme opposite of having moments of realization to how lucky you are too???…a great loss is unsettling like an earthquake to your core… the after shocks (though slowly less severe) last a life time in “what if’s” and “what could be’s”. All you can do is practice pushing for the better side of the extreme emotion (The positive side) and dwell there longer than the other. Eventually the battle is won, but never forgotten! Big Hugs! You will have your moments…embrace them, it’s what makes the good moments all the better!