We all carry the residue of our past experiences, like a cloak we wear or a stain we simply cannot wash off. For many of us, that residue is like a barrier that stops us from moving smoothly through our lives, forcing us into places we get stuck until we can find a way out.
The thing is, we don’t always know when we’re stuck or even why.
I’ve thought about this a lot lately. A lot. Interestingly, it took something said by a stranger for me to even realize that, while I’m not exactly stuck, I’m not exactly moving at my optimum speed or efficiency. Something is dragging behind me, forcing me to expend too much energy as I move.
Grief and loss.
Cliched, right? I know, and that’s probably why I struggle to recognize and acknowledge what is holding me back, what residue is sticky and unwanted.
There are some kinds of residue that dry to an all but unnoticed film that we wear. I have that – residue that impacts me, reminds me of something scary, but doesn’t impede my movement. About 5 years ago, I thought my family was going to die. There was moment between us, the edge of a bridge and a double dump truck that has left a tangible residue on my being. To this day, I experience irrational fear whenever I am near a dump truck, convinced that this one, too, is going to try to destroy my family. I know that I have this fear, this phobia, and I work with it. Steve works with it, understanding the historical trauma of an event where his quick thinking saved all our lives. (I feel a little bad for all the dump truck drivers out there who are subject to my dirty looks and glares.)
I shared that burden, that sticky residue, with him, and he helped me wipe it off.
So why, then, do I feel compelled to struggle with the rest of my residue? Why can’t I share the burden and ask for understanding? I think it’s because that other thing, with the dump truck, was something we shared. This other stuff, while shared to a degree, results in hard conversations and misunderstanding. At some point, your own residue can burden others, particularly if they can’t fully understand what you are dealing with or why it effects you.
Grief and loss – these are big, scary things. Things that lurk in the back of your mind, waiting to pounce – almost like a jungle cat looking for dinner. They feed off insecurity, doubt, even exhaustion.
The trick, it seems, is to battle your fear, turn around and face them head on, bransishing a metaphorical torch and yelling at the top of your lungs. Look them in the eye and refuse to back down.
But is it enough to merely hold them at bay, or must you also find a way to ensure they won’t come sneakng back, waiting for a vulnerable moment? The residue of our pasts taints our future if we let it. The fear will cripple us and hold us back. The knowledge that it is lurking will drive us to negative behaviors.
So, dealing with that sticky residue is going to suck. It’s going to hurt, and it’s going to be messy.
But, in the end, it’s going to be worth it, each and every sticky step.
so good to have to you back Jen!